Irish humour

[87GT]

   

Into  a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd  just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a  sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and  bruised
and he's walking with a  limp.
"What  happened to you?" asks Sean, the  bartender.
" Jamie  O'Conner and me had a fight," says  Paddy.
" That  little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do  that
to you, he must have had something in his  hand."
" That  he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a  terrible lickin' he gave me with  it."
" Well,"  says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't  you have something in your hand?"
"  That  I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs.  O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but  useless in a fight."
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An  Irishman who had a little too much to drink is  driving
home from the city one night and,
of course,  his car is weaving violently all over the  road.

A cop  pulls him over.
" So,"  says the cop to the driver, where have ya  been?"
"Why,  I've been to the pub of course," slurs the  drunk.
" Well,"  says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to  drink this evening."
" I did  all right," the drunk says with a  smile.
"Did  you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding  his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections  back, your wife fell out of your  car?"
"Oh,  thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For  a minute there, I thought I'd gone  deaf."


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Brenda  O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim  Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?"  he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell  ya".
" Of  course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But  where's my husband?"
" That's  what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There  was an accident down at the Guinness  brewery..."
"Oh,  God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell  me."
" I must,  Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm  sorry."
Finally,  she looked up at Tim.. "How  did it happen, Tim?"
" It  was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness  Stout and drowned."
"Oh  my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did  he at least go quickly?"
"Well,  Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to  pee."

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Mary  Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his  Sunday
morning service, and she's in  tears.
He  says,  " So  what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She  says,  "Oh,  Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband  passed away last night."
The  priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,  Mary,
did he have any last  requests?"
S he  says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did  he ask, Mary? "
She  says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn  gun...'


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A drunk  staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional  booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The  Priest first shuffles his feet, waits, then coughs a few times to get his attention
but the  drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the  Priest knocks three times on the wall .
The  drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either!"
.